Surreal and Sublime

The Allmands in Asia

After extensive use of fertility to get Sydney 9 years ago and Callie 3 years ago we changed direction and pursued adoption for another child. We had tried domestic adoption before, languishing in adoptive parent pools for years at a time on two occasions. International seemed like a more secure bet and have been to several countries that offer international adoption I was infinitely more comfortable spending time in and entertaining the thought of taking my family to China. So after a year and a half doing paperwork we departed on July 23rd and were traveling until we reached our home again, Emma in tow on August 12th. 

This trip has been more than I imagined, and I expected quite a bit. This is by any measure a safe trip, but an adventure all the same with real risk. I quoted The Hobbit to Sydney before we left saying there's no guarantee that well make it back and if we do we won't be the same people. A bit dramatic maybe because we did make it back home, but we certainly aren't the same people. Our first morning in Beijing started with a bang. We we all up quite early and we were trying to keep the girls in bed when we heard strange breathing from Syd. We flipped on the lights and found her having a serious seizure. Her legs were stiff and straight, her arms were folded against her chest she was breathing in a harsh and fast che che che sound. She was foaming at the mouth and her eyes were going all over the place. Lori and I were pushed beyond the brink and poor Callie had a front row seat the whole event. Lori and I took turns panicking, weeping on Sydney's chest, researching western medical options in the area and reaching out for help. After a couple minutes the seizure stopped and she was very very sleepy but slowly returned to normal. I remember when she began to tell us her name. Without question the worst moment in my life. We chose a doctor and jumped in a cab. Jenny our sales manager for Asia came quickly and  met us at our hotel after our first trip to the clinic. While they were open, their lab was not. We all went back later and got a relatively clean bill of health. 

The experience has been rich in so many ways. For one you are struck with the feeling you are doing something big. We have made no secret of the fact we are doing this for us. We love our daughters and they have enriched our lives so much we wanted more, plain and simple. But as we walk through the experience the profundity of taking an orphan off the street into a home strikes you. It's just so cool, a good thing that pays in it's own currency. Though the humanitarian or Biblical obedience reasons to do this weren't our primary motivation, you sense them and are rewarded all the same.

The surreal day of picking up Emma will never be forgotten. The simple absurdity of having a child handed to you after you sign a couple forms evokes a physical reaction. Hammering home the feeling that this is big and real and good. Like the title of a book I am reading, love does. This is loving. It's not the empty intellectualism of thinking and talking and wishing the poor had homes and food, but it is helping one little girl in a very real way and we are blessed beyond anything she receives. I think it's true that sins often provide their own punishment and obedience provides its own reward. 

I had no idea what to expect in the first few days. I have read what others experience, but all kids are different. Watching Emma mourn, freeze up and adapt to us is powerful. She is a different kid today than she was Monday and I can only imagine what she was like last week or will be like next week. Watching her mete out skills on her schedule is fascinating. Watching your child's first smile, step, roll, sit up, burp, laugh, clap and hug all in a couple days is overwhelming. Little by little she will do something new and smile at our reactions. It is surprising to find such sacred moments hidden in the mundane. So many firsts. Falling in love with her was instant as expected, we were in love with the first pictures and holding her just let the love be manifested. 

Sydney and Callie have been equally interesting to watch. Both were quiet when we were handed Emma. I think even they were subdued by the solemness of the transaction. Then after she was ours they were instantly engaged. Sydney has become a little mom. Washing bottles and loving her in anyway she can with all earnestness. Callie is just a little buddy, but she naturally stays a little back and gets less Emma time because of it. We have all hovered over Emma these so I our hotel room one afternoon we said let's all back up and see what Emma does. We all agreed, but Callie rushed into the gap put her arms around Emma and laid prostrate on the floor just holding her arms around Emma's waist. We said ok Callie lets all back up, she said ok and just laid there still, holding her sister. She just couldn't back away yet. Picture Emma sitting on the ground with Callie laying on the carpet face down with arms just barely reaching around Emma. If you don't tear up you're picturing it wrong. 

Lori instantly did what comes naturally to her and Emma is in very good hands. Lori is probably the most emotionally involved one of us and every step Emma takes in development can elicit tears. She has developed a sound that means momma and Lori tears up, smiles and comes running every time she hears it. Emma smiles the biggest for Lori, hugs Lori the hardest, and is the happiest in her arms. 

And then there is the context, we are in China. A fact that is inescapable and mesmarizing. The kids are adapting and being blessed by the experience. I have a standing offer of $100 to the first one to see a blonde from our hotel room window. Being a minority for a while is a great experience for someone who lives where everyone pretty much looks like them. I think it will add to our family's lives immeasurably. I think doing well here will make other challenges in life seem more achievable. Collage won't look so scary when you have successfully ordered a snack at McDonald's in a room of 400 Chinese people none of whom speak your language. Or negotiated the price of your souvenir in a completely different culture. I have taught them my cross-cultural communication strategy smile and hope for the best, it generally works. And when it doesn't it's not fatal. 

The girls have been a hit, in the tourist areas where Chinese tourists from across the country come blondes are an apparition. The stares are never ending. Kids stand slack-jawed in awe of the ghost before them until the are able to pull on their siblings shirt or tap mom or dad on the side. Callie caused a scooter accident on the road in Beijing just from her cuteness and crazy yellow hair. They have adapted well to being the center of attention anywhere we go. I bet there are 500 pictures of them floating around ren ren and other Chinese social sites. I told Lori we could not garner more attention if we were riding a flaming unicorn. People will ask for photos or more commonly sneak up behind us while a friend shoots a photo. Sydney has embraced her newfound celebrity with gusto. She has come even further out of her shell and if you ask her about the trip be sure to have a seat handy and be prepared for a dramatic rendition of the entire experience. She will approach timid camera toting tourists and embrace their kids and ham it up for the camera, pretty priceless. Callie is more likely to cling to an arm or watch slightly amused, slightly horrified with Sydney's antics.

In interpreting all this I am still feeling the impact of Miller's million miles in a thousand years. And am certain that this trip is creating a life-changing story for us and Emma. It is impossible to see the outcome of everything you do, but I think we should choose paths that could offer the most positive outcomes. This step is certainly full of potential. 

We have met friends from Florida that are going through this adventure with us. Their little girl is a couple months older and a couple pounds bigger and every bit as sweet and beautiful. They have two daughters that came with them as well. They are almost exactly our age, we were married a week apart and our girls all get along splendidly. Jason eats and laughs at whatever I do and Melissa sees things a bit more like Lori. Their girls are adorable and great influences on ours. Its funny how God provides what He knows you will need. At home it is easy to disregard the value of community and friendship as you are completely surrounded by it, but here, while probably surrounded by great people, very few can actually communicate to you. It can be disorienting after a while, having the Hyrnes here has been of immeasurable value. They are great people. Lucky thing too, this Holt group has only us two couples. Holt tries to get you to spend some time with your group and it was fun as the guide talked over group dinner options and we explained that we had been to all of them and more together as a group on our own accord. So it has been the Allmand-Hyrne 10. 

Food has been a struggle. While I am in hog heaven, the girls are barely eating. I think I ate over 20 kinds of animals. You always have to leave a little room for gray area in China so that is not a firm total. For the kids though this is became a concern as dehydration and exhaustion pose a real risk for illness. Whenever I see a new menu I set out to find something new. An animal or animal part I have never eaten, to be specific. The girls look at it entirely differently. Luckily the western breakfast buffet helps and there is a McDonalds across the street. I am not always living on the edge, I spent lots of time in the Starbucks in our hotel.

It is wonderful to see your kids grow. I love watching Syd hail a cab like a champ. She knows how to find an empty one and knows just how far to lean into crazy Chinese traffic to get attention, the hair helps. I love how she can calmly discuss lunch options at a crowded supermarket with several hundred chinese noisily bustling all around us. I just love that she is not cowering behind my leg, but is embracing an absurdly different lifestyle and is thriving. For us adapting to life in a mega-city has been as much a cultural shock as traveling to Asia, there are no cabs in Holdrege. Upon our return Caliie and I ran to the store for some necessities, she mentioned, wow, it's great having a car! Nearly every afternoon while Lori, Callie and Emma nap Sydney and I escape the hotel for an adventure. It might just be McDonalds, a cab to the market or a walk around the neighborhood. But it has been precious time that I will cherish forever. One adventure was to a museum next door. While our hotel was excavating for an employee dormitory they found a burial chamber for a king nearly 3,000 years ago. Syd and I walked through and I explained the story behind the artifacts. I thought she might be bored as not many 9 year olds care about a renegade governor that declared himself emperor, but she was amazed. She stared at the accent jade and gold artifacts and gasped "I can't believe I am really looking at these"! It was a great moment. 

Spending some real time here has been stimulated a lot of thought and some new thinking for me in areas I thought I had put to bed. It is fascinating to watch the ancient Chinese culture grapple with the industrial age, communism, capitalist and the pop culture of the west. It makes for some incredibly odd combinations. Seeing the old hold on to Buddhism and the young reject anything that appears finite or limiting in like being at home. It's an interesting dynamic for me to see China dealing with its population and poverty problem so actively and successfully compared to India with 60% of the population in Mumbai living in their filth. For me it brings up the question are culture norms, all equal? We are taught by todays US culture to tolerate or embrace all cultures equally and value what they value. Should we view western access, raping Nepali girls African and Indian enslavement of the Dalits as acceptable? Is there one best way? If so shouldn't a god have come down and shown it to us? I believe He did. It's amazing to look at problems in every culture and seek the Biblical prescription for their avoidance or remedy. It is also thought provoking to look at every cultures positive traits and see if they, in isolation maybe, are in line with Biblical wisdom. I find it true over and over. 

We are now home adjusting back to central time. I have developed a pretty bullet proof adjustment process for me to avoid any jet-lag. It involves Tylenol PM, pretty rigorous bedtimes and plenty of quite and sleep. This process is destroyed when your whole family is dealing with the issue and you have a new child adapting to your home, her crib and her room. And you can't give kids Tylenol PM, at least that is what Lori tells me every time I ask. So I have been right there with Lori and Callie, exhausted, with headache and a general sense of not feeling quite right. Sydney has been a champ. Instantly changing her sleep patterns and feeling great.

Anyway, it has been a rewarding, life changing, exhausting experience and I would think we might do it again, but not today!

Matt Allmand